I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
