i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
