In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
