my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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