She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
