making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
