did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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