I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I faked an abortion last night.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
