the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
