There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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