i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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