i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
