Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
