I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
