dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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