fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
