i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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