The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
