Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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