So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
