OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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