You're completely useless in the revolution.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
