Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
