Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
