OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
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Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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