Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
