If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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