Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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