If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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