i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
