let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
