I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
