life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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