I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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