When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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