She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
