we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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