I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
