Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
