Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
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It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
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Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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