No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
