you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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