Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
