I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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