i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
