nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
