Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
