I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
