i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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