Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
