i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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