you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
