so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
