I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
