Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
