I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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