I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
